Seriously! Give Me a BREAK...

Waiting for the curve to go back up!

As I sit here writing this, I know it has been a few weeks maybe even months that I have not written a single thing. 

My mind doesn't know where to begin, but knowing that everyday is a challenge is a nice little reminder. I know what makes me happy and when that doesn't work, what do you do? 

I need to keep myself busy, ALWAYS! The moments that bring me into this deep feeling of un love and self hatred and criticism about personality and my looks is staring at me. I feel as though I am in competent, disliked, dumb, ugly just not good enough. This is what it's like where I am, right now. 

When I get home for the weekend I am fine I am on top of the world until Sunday settles in and I start to feel the horrible things all over again. Monday - Friday I struggle to get out of bed, my body entraps me to the bed and have to be pulled out of my bed by my Dog. My stomach churns, my head hurts and I feel searing pain all over. I pop 2 Advils and force myself to smile and be happy so that my daughter doesn't notice. I follow my daily routines and get out the door with my lovely daughter. 

When you need a paycheck to keep your household going it weighs quite a bit on your mind when you are in a place that you hate and have been trying so hard to get out. If you love something do it, work hard at it! 

I am tired of being negative and am sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

I love my family

I love my friends

I love to help people
I love to live in the moment

But this place shows that I show up too Monday to Friday for 8 hours of my 14-16 hours of my wakefulness kills me ever so slowly. Because of it's destructive surroundings and negativity I sit here thinking I am worthless and Stupid. But because I need to keep a roof over my family's head and food on the table I endure this on a daily basis.

I URGE YOU TO FIND A JOB THAT YOU LOVE AND YOU LOVE GOING TOO.

When I was younger I was able to just stay home and do what I needed to do to get better. But now with a family and bills to pay I can't just seclude myself from the world.

What do you do when you have to go somewhere that makes you feel so small and belittled? You FIND A WAY OUT!


From one of MY favorite Movies -  Sister ACT 2

If you wanna be somebody
If you wanna go somewhere
You better wake up and pay attention!

Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is he
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches over me.

~ Cat