Surviving Physical, Sexual and Emotional Abuse

Through my looking glass...

Please I beg of you, yell at me, hit me, tell me that I am worthless and no one else will want me. Throw me down a flight of stairs, punch me and leave me. Tell me that no one can touch me cause you love me and then deny what you have done. 

Come take a look through my mind as I recall the abuse that I have managed to walk away from but still left with the aftermath of depression and anxiety. 

As a child I remember being locked in my room for hours until my mom came home. I remember being forced to eat because my father forgot that food was already given to me. If I hadn't eaten I got a beating. If I didn't pee in the toilet and soiled myself at 4 I was beaten. If I sneezed, burped, passed wind or smiled at the wrong time I was beaten. 

I remember fighting with my father one night over why I was separating my laundry, he was of course drunk. I thought enough was enough, I shoved my laundry basket at him and said here you do it then. He whipped the basket right at my head and I fell to the ground, I got up and said " I'm calling the cops". I called 911 and the operator picked up, he then took the phone out of my hands and hung up. I told him I am not a little girl anymore and walked away, this was a scary moment. He pushed me to the side and went to the kitchen, he picked up a clever (which most Asian families have). He took this clever put it to my head and said you are not my daughter, took a swing and I ducked. He had every intention of killing me that night and that's when my mother and I walked out of the house. The cops arrived to my father taking a leisurely stroll in our neighborhood and the Children's Aid society was called. He had a restraining order to stay away from my neighborhood, my school and myself of course. He passed away 2 years later and now he and that part of my life can rest. 

I remember being in grade 6 and transitioning to grade 7. "You are so beautiful and I want you to be my girlfriend" coming from my next door neighbor at the time who was 18 and I was 12. That summer will never be forgotten. He always wanted to know where I was and if I was safe and made sure I hung out only with his sister who was maybe 2 years younger than I was. That July his sister and I hung out in their basement quite often. Closer to the end of July he started getting his sister to do stuff for him that would some times necessitate her to leave the basement for 5 to 10 min at a time. While she was gone my "boyfriend" would sit next to me and ask me and say things like if you want to be my girlfriend, touch me *here*. He then started touching me "everywhere", and I was afraid to tell anyone. I asked him to stop and he didn't, I told his mother and she asked me to leave, I did! His mother came over the next day and accused me of being a liar and said that I was all over him and he is just a boy and can't control his urges and that I brought it on myself. For the month of August I stayed reclusive and watched movies and hating myself for being so EASY. I got through this by just leaving it behind me and walking away, I still think about it but the more I tell the better it gets. 

I remember my first Job at the Golden Arches, it was a great workplace at 15. That is where I met a guy who I thought loved me and wanted to be with me. We spent everyday together, skipping school and trying to get all of our shifts together because he just couldn't resist seeing me everyday. He called me everyday, even at work! He got me a cell phone so we could talk and I could tell him where I was. Whenever my friends wanted to hang out I had to ask him first just in case he already had something planned. I was beautiful and a dream to him, but to everyone else I was ugly and no one else would love me the way he does. I was perfect but needed to lose 20 pounds to look like...I shouldn't eat today cause I looked fat. Come hang out with me today so that I can watch what you are eating and how much. I like what you are wearing but can you put this on instead? This went on for a good year and a half, I went from my normal 140 lb range to 110 lb. I had missed so much school that I just kept on telling my friends I was really sick and that I had to keep on working to help my mom. I am sure a few of my friends knew I was lying, because I was embarrassed or wanted to portray a beautiful life. It  got really bad and ugly at the end because I wanted to hang out with my friends and celebrate my accomplishments. He would take a fit and throw things, swear, threaten and even threw me down the stairs a couple of times. I finally left him threw away my phone and moved, so he couldn't find me. I still fear that he will find me and Kill me. 

Do you think you know me, probably not! 

Do you want to help, but don’t want to interfere in a family or personal situation?

If you are not sure about offering help to someone you think is experiencing abuse, consider these points:

Common concerns 

Points to consider

• It’s really none of my business. 

• It could be a matter of life or death. Violence in the community is everyone’s business

• I don’t know what to say.

• Say “I care”, “I believe you” and “It’s not your fault”. Showing you are concerned is a good start. 

• It'll might make things worse. 

 Doing nothing could make things worse – abuse often gets worse over time

• It’s not serious enough to involve the police.

• Police are trained to respond – and even if the behavior is not criminal, they know about other resources to help families experiencing abuse 

• I’m afraid he might turn violent with me or my family if I interfere.

• Speak to her alone. Let the police know if you receive threats. Be sure to say if there are weapons available

• I don’t think she really wants to leave because she keeps coming back.

• Maybe she did not have the support she needed to overcome obstacles - no money, no place to live, no job, no babysitter, no transportation, unable to communicate, etc. 

• I’m afraid she will get angry with me. 

• Maybe she will. But she will also know that she can turn to you when she is ready

• I’m afraid he will get angry with me.

• Maybe he will. But he also knows that you are offering your help.

• They are both my friends. 

• If one friend is being abused and living in fear, you should be supportive

• I should wait until she asks for help. 

• She may be too afraid and ashamed to ask for help.

• If he wanted help or wanted to stop his behavior he would. 

• He may be too ashamed to ask for help.

• What happens in the privacy of the home is a family matter.

• It isn't when someone is being hurt – it’s wrong and it is against the law.

Here are some resources for the city of Ottawa if you would like to know how more about how to help. 

http://familyservicesottawa.org/adults/anti-violence-programs/

https://ottawa.cioc.ca/record/OCR0932

http://ottawa.ca/en/residents/public-health/pregnancy-and-babies/abuse

~ Just B, Cat

It's a Disease, Break the Cycle! #BellLetsTalk

Growing up with a Problem Drinker...

 20 years later

My husband and I are the first generation to break this cycle in both of our families. 

I was born and raised here in Ottawa, Ontario. My father was of Vietnamese decent, he WAS an alcoholic. If you look at me you would never know that my family was the way it was, but then you also wouldn't know what goes through my head if I don't tell you. 

When I was growing up I remember my mom working, working and working I rarely saw her. She would always have breakfast on the table, lunches made and dinner ready before she left for the day. She didn't speak English and couldn't read or write. When she came home she would have 2 cases of Budweiser for my father. 

You see my father had his own room in our house, so that he could drink and watch TV. This is what he did all day, while my mother was working and my brother and I were at school. Everyday when my mom came home my brother and I would have to refill his bar fridges in his room. You did read that correctly, he had 2 bar fridges. He went through a case and a half most days, that's about 36 bottles of Budweiser from the time he was up to the time he passed out.  You may wonder why my family kept providing him alcohol and kept his demands. He was violent and relentless, that's why! When my brother and I misbehaved or disobeyed, we were punished. I still vividly remember my father lighting a glass cup for a minute and myself yelling and begging him not to do it. The cup was red from the flames and was scorching hot, my father took this with his oven mitts and pressed it firmly to my brothers back. This was his punishment for not going to school, cause sickness shouldn't prohibit you from going to school even if the school says you can't go cause you are sick. He still to this day has that ring on his back. I am the youngest of the family, so I didn't endure as much. My usual punishment was being hit with a bamboo stick until a wound open up and Hot chili peppers rubbed in. Not that bad, eh!

This was the way of life until my early teens, you see my father passed away of lung cancer and liver disease. But 20 years later I still deal with a multitude of issues from this disease that engulfed my family. 

I Grew up with a problem drinker and this is how I know!

1. I constantly seek approval and affirmation
2. I fail to recognize my accomplishments
3. I fear criticism
4. I am very uneasy when my life is going smoothly, I continually anticipate problems.
5. I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis.
6. I still feel responsible for others, as I did for my father.
7. I can care for others very easily, yet find it difficult to care for myself
8. I isolate myself from other people
9. I respond with fear to authority figures and angry people.
10. I feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of me.
11. I attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and/or abusive.
12. I cling to relationships because I am afraid of being alone.
13. I often mistrust my own feelings and the feelings expressed by others.
14. I find it difficult to identify and express my emotions

Alcoholism is a family disease


My family works hard everyday to break the cycle and I am speaking out as part of a healing process for me.

If you or someone you know needs help please see the contact information below.



Are you troubled by someone's drinking? (Video)

Al-Anon - Ottawa

Telephone Answering Service
(613) 860-3431
Service Téléphonique en Français
(819) 669-0543

Al-Anon World Service Office
(888) 425-2666

Ping, Pong, Clang, Ching, Chang. "What's in MY Name?"

We have all heard it, come on let's get real! 

Q:How do Chinese people name their kids? 

A:The drop a pot down the stairs... hahaha

Well in this case that could have happened  to my brother, his name is Ping! But you see as I was growing up I was always asked how come you have such a "white" name. 

I live in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada's beautiful capital.  I was born and raised in this city and am multi-culturally diverse! My best friend was of Latino decent her name was Marisol (which I plan to use if I am blessed with another daughter), I am Catholic/buddhist and am very proud to say so. 

Okay, on to my name! My name is Catherine (Cat) for short. Personal preference is to never be called Cathy, I just don't like it. This is a really short story on how I got my name, no pots or pans needed.

My mom was 6 months pregnant and had just finished doing some grocery shopping in Chinatown in the early 1980 (you don't need to know my age :)). She hailed a cab as it was winter and didn't want to take the bus(wasn't being very frugal), On the way home there was a ton of traffic . They were stuck and no where to go because of an accident up ahead, 60 min sitting in traffic is long. My mother suddenly felt ill and in lots of abdominal pain. She thought to herself she can't be in labor, but she was! 

This was sort of a lucky day for my mom as there were already emergency crews on the way for the accident up ahead so the cab driver flagged down a paramedic. Since they couldn't go anywhere in any direction my mom gave birth to me prematurely in the cab (yup in the cab). The paramedics asked my mom what she was going to name me. My mother turns to the cab driver and asks "where are we" he says "Catherine St."

This folks is how I got my name Catherine!

So, have you heard the joke above? This doesn't apply to my name, just imagine if I was born on a street like King Edward or even Dalhousie(eek). 

Tell me, how did you get your name and how unique is it to you?

Hardships of Eye makeup for a non-lidded Asian

It is ridiculous how some people have all the luck with beautiful long lashes and lids to boot. 

So when I was young my mother was obsessed with becoming Western. I will show you a photo of what she did to her lids. She is a beautiful lady, she just thought it would make transition to becoming western easy. 

I would never get this done but still I am trying to find all the perfect makeup tools to make my eyes look bright and beautiful without lash extensions and surgery. 

I may be a Canadian but I still have some asian characteristics such as Cheap(frugal). Through the years I have learnt that I am wasting my money, buying stuff that I just throw out because it doesn't work well.

So needless to say I have been through 7 eyelash curlers(SDM,Walmart, GT, AVON, Pharma plus) and over  50-60 mascara’s trying to find the right fit…and still nothing for my non-hooded beautiful eyes.

My mom on Top and moi on the bottom. 

1 year and 4 months ago but important to me with the economy the way it is.

So far I have been to 3 workshops 3 job fairs applied to over 100 jobs and still going. I wonder how hard it is for a person who is willing and ready to work find a job? I do not want to go on welfare, or live on EI for a year.

Although I do have a full time job as a mom, this no job thing is becoming a real big concern. Could you give me a glimmer of hope economy?

Well on to more baking and dinner preparations, cleaning and just being me.

M.A.C. (full lash) Vs. Shu Uemura vs Shiseido Eyelash Curlers

So as you can see from the title I am going to compare the above curlers. 

(I say Asian eye’s but many people of different Ethnic backgrounds have the same problems as well. My eyes are almond shaped and I have short, straight hard to curl lashes).

M.A.C. $27.00 Full lash curler is black in colour and I have used it for 3 years. It worked for my eyes as it has good pressure with regards to the rubber that comes with it. There was no pinch and curled so long as I applied a more than average pressure on it. The suggestion is to change it every three months but it works just as well if you don’t why waste money on a refill you don’t need. 

SHU UEMURA $25.00 Well, Well well I heard great things about this eyelash curler, so I went to Sephora to purchase this “magnificent” curler. Boy was I in for a “small” surprise! Nothing, it  didn’t do anything. It was so disappointing, I thought maybe just maybe I would find the perfect curler. I was wrong, not only did it pinch my lids but my lashes did not look curl, but lesson learned. If it were between the two MAC VS. SHU UEMURA I would say MAC a little more expensive but the rubber has a better grip I find and NO pinching.  

SHISEIDO $23.00 So Shiseido promised that the newly designed broader curve was made for my shaped eyes. So I went to the Shiseido counter and thought I would try it out, cause now at this point I had nothing to lose but money as I have tried many curlers on the market. Cheaper than both mentioned above I was okay with that. But when I tried it, awaited the wince that usually happens when it pinches my eye. To my surprise nothing happened. Starting from base to middle to end with just simple light pressure it happened, My Eureka moment! My lashes are not only curled but they look amazing. okay so exxageration there cause I still have not applied a mascara for length. But I will write on mascara’s a different time. This was and is still the best full eyelash curler I have ever used. 

Now you can take my word for it or go and buy the three I mention and try it out on your eyes as well. 

With Love,

Cat