... a happier and more enjoyable life

Time to let go!

I cannot undo the past but I can change the future!

Do you remember doing lines in school and did it work for you? I am not sure it worked for me but I hope typing and saying it out loud will help. To commemorate myself here are 30 things that I regret but plan to change. 

1. Caring what other people might think 

•  I will not care about what others think of me. I am my own judge and I will do what I think is right for me at that moment in time. If I want to run outside in the rain with no shoes I will! I will Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!

2. Doing what I thought would please others

• I will not do what pleases others, I will only do what pleases me! You can do whatever you want too please yourself as well! 

3. Staying in that job you've hated for so long

• I have had many jobs that I have not liked and moved quite quickly. I am currently stuck but I am sure with perseverance I will find the job I love once again. Money is not everything, if you are not happy your pessimism can permeate to the rest of your happy life. 

4. Not going after a dream

• To be completely honest, I don't think I had a dream. I always thought that I would pass away at 25. I think that what I wanted was to be happy as my past never really brought any of that to my life. Well one is never to old to dream!

5. Giving up at the last hurdle

• I will not give up at the last minute. I will work through to the end!

6. Settling for second best

• I will not settle for second best. I will strive to be my best. 

7. Putting others before myself

• I will not put others before me, I will put me before all others. 

8. Not putting education first. 

• I will go back and update my grades to reflect my love of learning. 

9. Not paying attention to the people who really do matter

• My daughter and Husband first and foremost. 

10. Not taking risks to do something I have always wanted to do

• I will take more risk to do something that I love

11. Thinking that it’s all about the money

• Money is not everything, I must take care of myself and that means my happiness.

12. Not getting over my fears in life

• I will not fear other peoples words, thoughts or comments!

13. Staying in a relationship I knew had ended a long time ago

• That relationship is long gone and thrown out! I have made a commitment to my husband and family and I am in a good place Family wise.

14. Not taking care of my body

• Who knew taking care of my body meant mind and soul as well. I will strive to provide my body with the nutrient, care and positive influence that it desperately calls for. 

15. Not finding enough time to sit and enjoy the journey

• I will find time to sit and just be, to reflect on all the positives in my life. 

16. Not laughing at myself enough

• Nobody is perfect and I need to learn to not be so hard on myself. 

17. Not opening my mind to new possibilities

• I won't be held back if a new possibility is in the future. 

18. Always thinking about the past

• I am in the here and now! My past is that, the past! I must look towards the future.

19. Chasing money instead of seeking happiness

• I left a wonderful job that made me very happy for a job that paid much more. It didn't work out! I regret leaving but am now on the hunt for a more satisfying job!

20. Always thinking ‘that is life’ – I have got to make your own tomorrows

• I will make a change in myself and my world will fall into place. 

21. Accepting only the love I  think I deserve, when I should have set my standards higher

• I deserve to be loved for me and that is what my husband provides!

22. Not realizing that it’s my own thoughts that create my world

• I will work faster and harder to create a better world. 

23. Not letting the small things go, and focus on the things that really matter

• I have to let go of the small things, they don't matter. What matters is what I hold close each day. 

24. Listening to reason ALL the time, sometimes I have got to just follow my heart

• I use to do this all the time, following my heart that is! I just grew up and found it a little be harder with all the expectations I feel I have to keep. 

25. Not being braver

• I will be braver in giving my opinions in a debate, even with my husband. 

26. Not trusting yourself enough

• I will trust my instincts and heart, if I did that in the first place I would still be at the job I loved. 

27. Not realizing that something good comes out of every bad situation

• This one is tough to realize in the moment. But I have made many good friends along the way of my mistakes. 

28. Knowing that I chose this life and that it’s up to me to manage it the way I would like

• I have made huge leaps and bounds to make positive changes and there are many more to come. 

29.  Not being honest ALL THE TIME with myself and with others

• I will be honest all the time even if the truth hurts. Especially with myself. 

30. Allowing myself to follow someone else’s beliefs instead of investigating my beliefs for myself.

• I will work on coming to common grounds with myself, my beliefs and my happiness. 

Happiness, how do you define and find it?

xox

Will you ever belong to yourself again?

You Belong to me...

a letter from depression

Hello Cat,


Guess what,you know the last two days where you had energy and felt like you were making major progress and thought maybe just maybe you would be getting rid of me? You thought wrong!

My apologies for leaving you so soon! Please accept this wonderful gift that I thought you would enjoy oh so much. I give to you my friend ANXIETY.

When you wake up you will feel like you can't get out of bed, you will think that you are not a good wife and that you deserve to be alone and that nobody wants you. Your daughter hates you, you don't deserve to have children. I know you are holding back those tears and moving forward without me, but you know I still have a hold on you.

When you get to work and I do mean when, I will fill your mind with self doubt. You know you are where you are because you are not good enough. This is the perfect time since you are alone all day to tell you and convince you that you are not good enough for your husband. He is going to leave you and you will have to fend for yourself. Friends, what friends they don't care about you and you don't deserve any friends anyway.  Go ahead call your husband or friends to calm your nerves, it will only be temporary because you know you will dwell on it till it's time to leave. Do you really think that cupcake is going to help, just like the caffeine you stopped drinking? You know while you work here I will suck the soul out of you! This job isn't challenging enough, it gives you time for your mind to wander which gives me time to control your thoughts, emotions and being. That stiff neck, headache, backache, sweating and nervousness is just me and my lovely pal Anxiety. Do what you can to occupy your time but I know that I have 8 hours of your time Monday to Friday to manipulate and control you.

Your work day is over and I am still with you! You don't need to pick up your daughter, she hates you anyways. You don't deserve what you have in your life. You are ugly, you are fat, you are dumb, why should anyone love you? Why should you have friends! I am here and no one will help you.

I belong to MYSELF

answer to depressions letter

Oh, hello Depression!

How nice of you to join me on this wonderful day. I never thought that I would get rid of you just keep you at bay. So, I think that it is working quite well. 

A gift, for me? Thank you, you are to kind. This wonderful gift you brought will bring me a great new awesome challenge. 

Come to think of it I thought I was just coming down with the flu, but thanks for letting me know it was just you. Why do I have a husband still if I am not a good wife? Hmm...  his side of the bed was still warm and that loving kiss he gave me reiterates that he LOVES me. You keep on saying nobody wants me, then why are you still here? Obviously, you can't get enough of me! 

Ouch, that stung! My daughter can hate me all she wants, but having a child is a privilege and it's my responsibility to show her how to love. You can hold on to me as long as you want because all I want is to keep you at bay. IF you decided you want to leave, I would be happy as well. 

I got to work just in time to get a message from my husband asking if I got to work, cause we both know your game. My friends also know about you and guess what I got a message from them too. I may not deserve friends after what you are putting me through, but they stay because you have most likely affected them too. That cupcake tasted delicious and that is why I had it, you may have had a part but don't let that get to your head. I only stopped drinking caffeine because I was tired no matter how many cups I had, especially when you are around. 

I never invited you to come over and stay with me, but since you've been here you have brought me this ugliness, you have put so much weight on me and you just won't stop your stupid comments. Why do you love me so much? Why do you want me to be your friend and why do you need my help relentlessly? If you really need a friend, I don't think you deserve one! 

So, if you want to stay a little longer be my guest but know that as I write this you are slowly disappearing. When and if we meet again, I'll know who you are. 

xo Cat

...Climbing out.

I Am Not in the Clear and I Am FIGHTING. 

This feeling, this thought, this moment will pass!

"The Depression monster floats around endlessly, always covering his eyes to hide itself from the outside world. Because of this, it always bumps into people or other monsters causing more distress to itself each time. Its only relief is to wrap its fluid tail around a victim and share its depression with them. The victim is unaware of the monster but will register a heaviness and will develop a state of deep depression. Meanwhile the monster absorbs any positive emotions from its host until it has had its fill and moves onto another host.” 

~ Online Description if Depression was a real monster by Artist Toby Allen. 

I don't claim to be perfect, I am not now  nor have I ever been. I have bullied others, others have bullied me. You don't know how much I fight to make my life seem normal. My life is difficult to explain.

I am still dealing with issues that are unclear to me, one day I am fine the next day I feel like I am falling. When I am falling, I am falling hard! I feel like it is making up for the day that I was feeling good.

Listen! I keep on falling back into the relationship trap with depression and it is a hard battle. I am Thankful for all of the support that I get from friends and family, but like I said depression doesn't care. It wants my happiness and I am reluctant to give it up! I have a PLAN, it will work if I stick to it and move forward.

Depression robs me of any happiness that I have, leaves me numb and lonely. I feel like a failure, my job isn't satisfying and contributes to my problem. I cannot tell you when I will come out of it and when I will feel like myself again but when I do, I WILL know and work to keep it that way.

I will find and Love myself and others
I will work on being compassionate
I will show affection towards others
I will allow my anger, fear and worry to PASS
I will work on my happiness
I will try to be good and do no harm
I will TRUST
I will HELP

Believe in yourself, have courage, and rise up beyond adversity.

~ Dalai Lama

Deep in the dark and murky Shadows of...

Depression and Anxiety.

I don't care that you are a wife, mother and friend to people who make you laugh, tell you you are beautiful, kind, loving and friendly 20 times a day. I don't care what race, religion or background you come from. I care that you stay in bed and repeat over and over that you don't deserve anything you have! Remember all those horrible times...

Love, 

Depression

Just a glimpse into one day with my depression.

"Mommy, Mommy I'm awake come get me!" It's Monday morning and my daughter is calling me over the monitor and my husband has gone to work. My first thought is I need more sleep, please leave me alone. I have been up several times throughout the night, always finding it hard to get back to sleep. I hear her call for me again and my body feels like it is stuck and I can't move, I keep on saying I am coming don't worry just give me a moment. But there is no sound, my mouth isn't moving and I am still in my bed...sleeping. 

I get up and go through a daily routine without realizing what I am doing. I've gotten up, dressed myself and now heading towards my daughters room. She runs towards me with a beautiful smile and says Good Morning. She gives me a hug and I am not sure I have reciprocated. She says that's a pretty dress mommy, I say oh that's nice. I take out some clothes for her to wear, but feel like it is all a blur. I get her to daycare, how did I get here is what I ask myself as I take her out of the car. I don't recall getting her dress, putting on my shoes getting in the car or leaving the house.  She says bye mommy and have a good day with big hugs and kisses. As a routine, I go through the motions of her giving me Love and affection. 

I sit at my desk wondering how I got there, how many lights were there, what do I have to do today. What do I have to do today, oh what do I have to do today? It's the end of the day and I don't remeber if I remembered to breathe, I have to pick up my daughter. Wait, how did I pick her up and she's already in the back seat where am I going? Mommy are we going home? I hear from the back seat. Not sure if I answer but hear her say why are you not driving? We are home sitting in the living room, how did I get here? I guess as long as we are home she is safe and I just have to wait for my husband to get home. 

Where have you been, why are you late? I am tired and going to just take a rest! It's 6pm and my husband has taken the blow because I have tried my best not to take it out on our daughter. I'm crying, smiling, crying again, don't know what's going on then smiling and realize that we are now sitting reading my daughter her night time stories. Again, unsure of how I have gotten here with my daughter sitting in my arms reading her favorite books. Was she fed, did she get her bath?

I am tired but want to spend time with my husband, we are in bed and he says did you like the show we were just watching. I honestly don't remember, I say it was good. He's asleep  and I am silently dying inside crying and wishing this pain would go away, the cycle goes on again the next day. 

~ End

I am grateful for the nights my husband holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. 

I am thankful that he puts up with my random periods of irritability. 

He constantly attempts to comfort me if I am suddenly uncomfortable when we’re out in public. 

He fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths

He plays with my hair when I’m having trouble sleeping.

Encourages me to eat when I have no appetite. 

He takes care of me and I never even had to explain myself. 

~~

When I am in the throws of depression please know that I may say the following things but mean something totally different. 

I am fine = I am going insane

I feel good = I can't feel a thing

Nothings wrong = Everything is wrong

I am okay = I really am NOT

~

Remember that Depression hurts!

Find out more about depression at

depressionhurts.ca