Through my looking glass...
Please I beg of you, yell at me, hit me, tell me that I am worthless and no one else will want me. Throw me down a flight of stairs, punch me and leave me. Tell me that no one can touch me cause you love me and then deny what you have done.
Come take a look through my mind as I recall the abuse that I have managed to walk away from but still left with the aftermath of depression and anxiety.
As a child I remember being locked in my room for hours until my mom came home. I remember being forced to eat because my father forgot that food was already given to me. If I hadn't eaten I got a beating. If I didn't pee in the toilet and soiled myself at 4 I was beaten. If I sneezed, burped, passed wind or smiled at the wrong time I was beaten.
I remember fighting with my father one night over why I was separating my laundry, he was of course drunk. I thought enough was enough, I shoved my laundry basket at him and said here you do it then. He whipped the basket right at my head and I fell to the ground, I got up and said " I'm calling the cops". I called 911 and the operator picked up, he then took the phone out of my hands and hung up. I told him I am not a little girl anymore and walked away, this was a scary moment. He pushed me to the side and went to the kitchen, he picked up a clever (which most Asian families have). He took this clever put it to my head and said you are not my daughter, took a swing and I ducked. He had every intention of killing me that night and that's when my mother and I walked out of the house. The cops arrived to my father taking a leisurely stroll in our neighborhood and the Children's Aid society was called. He had a restraining order to stay away from my neighborhood, my school and myself of course. He passed away 2 years later and now he and that part of my life can rest.
I remember being in grade 6 and transitioning to grade 7. "You are so beautiful and I want you to be my girlfriend" coming from my next door neighbor at the time who was 18 and I was 12. That summer will never be forgotten. He always wanted to know where I was and if I was safe and made sure I hung out only with his sister who was maybe 2 years younger than I was. That July his sister and I hung out in their basement quite often. Closer to the end of July he started getting his sister to do stuff for him that would some times necessitate her to leave the basement for 5 to 10 min at a time. While she was gone my "boyfriend" would sit next to me and ask me and say things like if you want to be my girlfriend, touch me *here*. He then started touching me "everywhere", and I was afraid to tell anyone. I asked him to stop and he didn't, I told his mother and she asked me to leave, I did! His mother came over the next day and accused me of being a liar and said that I was all over him and he is just a boy and can't control his urges and that I brought it on myself. For the month of August I stayed reclusive and watched movies and hating myself for being so EASY. I got through this by just leaving it behind me and walking away, I still think about it but the more I tell the better it gets.
I remember my first Job at the Golden Arches, it was a great workplace at 15. That is where I met a guy who I thought loved me and wanted to be with me. We spent everyday together, skipping school and trying to get all of our shifts together because he just couldn't resist seeing me everyday. He called me everyday, even at work! He got me a cell phone so we could talk and I could tell him where I was. Whenever my friends wanted to hang out I had to ask him first just in case he already had something planned. I was beautiful and a dream to him, but to everyone else I was ugly and no one else would love me the way he does. I was perfect but needed to lose 20 pounds to look like...I shouldn't eat today cause I looked fat. Come hang out with me today so that I can watch what you are eating and how much. I like what you are wearing but can you put this on instead? This went on for a good year and a half, I went from my normal 140 lb range to 110 lb. I had missed so much school that I just kept on telling my friends I was really sick and that I had to keep on working to help my mom. I am sure a few of my friends knew I was lying, because I was embarrassed or wanted to portray a beautiful life. It got really bad and ugly at the end because I wanted to hang out with my friends and celebrate my accomplishments. He would take a fit and throw things, swear, threaten and even threw me down the stairs a couple of times. I finally left him threw away my phone and moved, so he couldn't find me. I still fear that he will find me and Kill me.
Do you think you know me, probably not!
Do you want to help, but don’t want to interfere in a family or personal situation?
If you are not sure about offering help to someone you think is experiencing abuse, consider these points:
Common concerns
Points to consider
• It’s really none of my business.
• It could be a matter of life or death. Violence in the community is
everyone’s business
• I don’t know what to say.
• Say “I care”, “I believe you” and “It’s not your fault”. Showing you are
concerned is a good start.
• It'll might make things worse.
Doing nothing could make things worse – abuse often gets worse over time
• It’s not serious enough to involve the police.
• Police are trained to respond – and even if the behavior is not criminal,
they know about other resources to help families experiencing abuse
• I’m afraid he might turn violent with me or my family if I interfere.
• Speak to her alone. Let the police know if you receive threats. Be sure to say
if there are weapons available
• I don’t think she really wants to leave because she keeps
coming back.
• Maybe she did not have the support she needed to overcome obstacles - no
money, no place to live, no job, no babysitter, no transportation, unable
to communicate, etc.
• I’m afraid she will get angry with me.
• Maybe she will. But she will also know that she can turn to you when
she is ready
• I’m afraid he will get angry with me.
• Maybe he will. But he also knows that you are offering your help.
• They are both my friends.
• If one friend is being abused and living in fear, you should be supportive
• I should wait until she asks for help.
• She may be too afraid and ashamed to ask for help.
• If he wanted help or wanted to stop his behavior he would.
• He may be too ashamed to ask for help.
• What happens in the privacy of the home is a family matter.
• It isn't when someone is being hurt – it’s wrong and it is against the law.
Here are some resources for the city of Ottawa if you would like to know how more about how to help.
http://familyservicesottawa.org/adults/anti-violence-programs/
https://ottawa.cioc.ca/record/OCR0932
~ Just B, Cat
